The Two Sides of Hope

There are other moments to forget, there is no distinct core in them that could convey something about the truth, something that could make the experience feel like a bad dream, but it feels like being trampled to death.

We had just met, I was as happy as a child and I felt, or so it seemed, that you found a certain attractiveness in me, whatever it was, perhaps it was my deep thought conveying forgotten secrets? I had certainly experienced anxiety about the possibility that Nothing had placed before me after our last meeting. I was full of anxiety and fear, for I did not want to lose you. I wanted to win you, but at the same time I was afraid of the responsibility and of being betrayed again. Having to lose what I had not yet found but was winning.

Hope had been kindled in my heart, and hope is wonderful, but there is an element of hurt and pain in hope, for when hope is kindled, one envisions these great things, which, if fulfilled, create unspeakable joy, happiness and gratitude, but if it fails, it creates all the greater wounds in the heart of the one who loses what he had hoped for.

In such cases, it is better that the situation that ignited the hope had never occurred, for it hurts so deeply and the soul seems to move on towards the realm of pain.

It was one of those days when I didn’t know what to do, to call or not to call, to make contact or to wait? But despite my anxiety and fear, I called, initially sounding quite positive but then something happened. You suddenly sounded so awkward, as if you wanted to end the call. And I could hear it so clearly and it scared me, I got scared. For in your awkward voice I heard the voice of Nothing sowing anxiety, I was shaking inside but pretending nothing, no nothing! And finally you said that you had to stop because you were going away, at the same time you said that it wasn’t because of me, but I didn’t believe you and it felt like the eternal farewell had once again sunk its bloody teeth into my stomach. I didn’t pretend any of my disappointment and anxiety, I braced myself and just said: “Take care and have a good time,” so terribly nice. But inwardly I felt as if life was being extinguished, that it was slowly draining away from me, for how could I rise again from the eternal fire into which I had fallen? When desire and longing would again destroy me along with Nothing and the possibility of opportunity. Perhaps you were lost, perhaps I would be lost to the empty castle of loneliness, lost to beasts and demons, lost to the land I once inhabited, visited and hated.

Within me, all questions began to burn, all answers began to burn, but the answer I found gave me only fear, it is said that fear is only experienced in reality, where a real threat exists and the threat I experienced in my wounded thought was more real than life itself, the invisible power of fear. It was not a fear of Nothing but of the reality that had brutally stood on my feet and tried to crush them, painfully experienced its elaborate hatred, thrown and thrown over me and my situation.

It felt as if the whole starry sky went out, as if the moon was falling on me. It felt as if life was fleeing the life that had just been born and seen the light of the world for the first time. I recognized the situation, that’s why it seemed so real, because last time you had really rejected me, tried to make me falter backwards with beautiful words and cunning evasions, because behind me there was the rocky ravine that was pining for my weak life, I would understand without you having to say it, that your heart then belonged to someone else, that time it was the truth, but this time it seemed even more true, if there is, in the truth, any category formation? I fell from the pedestal I had slowly started to climb, I fell not only to the bottom but to the underworld and I marveled at how cold a woman can be, how terribly insensitive a human being can become, how destructive an individual can turn into.

There was still hope, don’t ask me how. It hung by the thinnest of threads over the abyss of the chasm that led down to the realm of Abbadon, the one that sought the destruction of the life that had begun to live.

Life was not lived by itself or through itself, but existed only through the one who had given it to him, for the Prince of Life had died and risen again, and he said, you must die to live, all the phases of death I had passed through in order to obtain at last the life promised, eternal life with the Father, in dependence on Him. Now that life existed only as a weak theory, a dream, which tried to convince me of the reality of life, but the truth was still the same, but the feeling said, you are dead and lost, trapped and immersed in the grave that will be yours, that is yours, death is now and is your withering existence, your curse, the brutal and living end of life, I was mutilated and rejected.

But thankfully, we found each other again. When we talked later, you could explain everything and I actually dared to say what I had experienced, you understood and we could laugh about it, because the last time when you really destroyed what I was through your words, you did not do it on purpose but, as is often the case, in fear of hurting my consciousness. People seldom dare to tackle these difficult questions because they are afraid of the situation. They are afraid to take on that conflict, they are afraid of the tears and pain and the anxiety that it brings.

When all this disappointment came to the surface, more came automatically and we were able to clear all the ambiguities, we were able to reconcile and forgive each other and life washed over me again. When we were reconciled. It was wonderful to meet the person you love again in purity and truth. Before, all these misunderstandings had created mediocrity and distance, it causes questions, and the unanswered questions about love are anxiety and pain, but now we could love in immediacy and really meet again.