I have taken down the book "The Great Lamentation" and rewritten it. I have come to the conclusion that it must be a novel for the world in which I hope I will be able to present both an interesting novel and the true gospel message with the aim and hope that it will lead the reader to God's Word and to God. This is the new title:

The Sadness: and the God Who Saves

The Lead-Up Deception

And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled. And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.

¶ Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor. And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee. And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die? And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing. Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel. And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? For thou art Saul. And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth. And he said unto her, What form is he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel, and he stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed himself.

¶ And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do. Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy? And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David: Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day. Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.

¶ Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night.

The Non-Transformed Christian

When he came home from work, he took his Bible and read in it, “For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” Pastor Lindstrom had said that this was the heavenly promise to everyone who believed, so he prayed for her in faith. Would God answer his prayer? He did not know, but God’s Word was rather clear in its statement. He believed. Strongly. Through his inner eyes, Chris had seen Christ crucified as clearly as if he had been there himself, weeping as he saw the Son of God hanging there on the cross, atoning for the sins of the world. He also saw the hate the Son of Man received from the people around the cross. He was devastated.

God often spoke to him as if he were in the same room as Chris, telling him the secrets of heaven. He was truly a special man if God revealed himself in this way. Could God deny his prayer? Why would he reveal himself in this way and then deny his prayer? What had Lindstrom said? You already have all the promises, you just have to claim them by faith. As long as you do not falter in your faith, God will give in and give you what you want. He went to bed with an unfaltering faith and peace that denied reality itself.

He could see the progress in her life. It was a clear testimony to the power of faith. He nodded to himself for a job well done, for he was the cause of the progress. He had promised God that he would give his life to the Lord if he answered his prayer to help her, and now he would be the Lord’s.

His life continued with the Lord, who spoke to him daily about just everything, he felt so special, he must be special if God gave him such great answers and revelations confirming his every wish and desire never reproving him. Just as the female pastor had claimed when she taught the congregation to listen to their inner dialogue, which was the Spirit speaking, and he would never say anything negative. He was only love. That was the way to recognize him: the Spirit would only confirm, everything else was evil and false, coming from a conscience that was not liberated by psychological truth. Self-love was the way out of it.

That was the overarching message of Scripture and of Christianity: God is love and there is no condemnation for anyone anywhere, and God always wants to heal if you just believe, and we are gods with the same power as Jesus had on earth: we just have to claim it. It was great.

Soon she would be perfect, soon they would live the perfect life together, and their togetherness was already fulfilled in the flesh, they took their pre-marital promises very seriously. The promises that one day they would marry, until that day they lived as married because that was what the inner dialogue said. They were both confirmed in this. She because it was her nature and manner, he because the love he felt was an answer from God to his prayer, it was his confirmation.

It was not fornication. St Paul had said that we must “flee fornication,” but this was love that had a promise of marriage one day, and was confirmed by love, and was validated by the inner dialogue and teaching by the female pastor, and of course, by Lindstrom himself.

There was no doubt, and the only doubt that had existed disappeared when he crossed the line that day, what followed was only easier: drowning doubt and consciences through rationalization, which later became rebellion and accusation against each other and against God himself.

The Princess

She was a princess, she should not have to go through this, she was not like the other girls, she was different, she was unique. I will not accept this, she thought to herself. I will not be sad any more, I will win the prize, she consoled herself.

She remembered, she ran back to her memories of when she was a little girl. She had been her father’s little princess. Her father loved her more than he loved her brothers, she was truly special. She could wrap her father around her little finger, he did everything she asked. Whatever she wanted. Her mother, on the other hand was always distant, she was a distraught and depressed woman who found fault in everyone, but her father was her life, he was perfect. Her mother drowned her in her own guilt, and at the same time bought her because of this forced drowning. The martyrdom of her mother made life unexpected, full of despair and anxiety. It was easier to stay with friends than at home. But her father, he held the family together, and kept it sane in all its madness. He was the order in all disorder. He was her everything in a way. His only fault was his all-encompassing absent-minded existence, which meant that the order and safety he brought was of the same quality as her mother’s, it was unpredictable.

The princess was neglected, she knew fear, despair and anxiety, but she did not how to formulate what she felt, and her home was a base of misprediction, and she never learned to trust or to forgive. For how could a princess forgive forsakenness? And every strategy she adopted failed, but strategy was her only plan, and the prospect of her great future drove her further and further away from truth and nighness. The perceived neglect, the real absence of her parents and siblings, and the lack of true closeness drove her to seek remedy for the emptiness of her inner self in the arms of others, which became a lineament hard to break. The same emptiness and lack of trust also made any relationship not to last, the fleeting encounters becoming a substitute for the true love she sought at first, and later, a substitute for the just curse and a punishment she felt she deserved. This drove her to greater and greater acts of depravity while maintaining the illusion that she was still a princess, without fault.

She could never look at herself from the outside, she did not dare to tread on that path, her mind simply refused to examine her own depravity, or her own dejection that would to force her to see her self, or a self-examination that would reveal the true conditions of her empty life; she could never see or accept the gospel message of deliverance because it would force her to deny herself, force her to reject the false notion of her princess likeness. As St Paul writes, “But he that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord. For not he that commendeth himself is approved, but whom the Lord commendeth”. She could not glory in the Lord, only in her self, and she could never join together the truth of Romans:

For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

Not once did this become her understanding. She was the princess with her own set of rules, and everyone else was her slave, born to make her happy, born to serve her self; even Christ. Transformation was like a mirage before her eyes, something she did not seek but felt entitled to; therefore she did not seek it with all her heart, but wanted it because it would make her happy, it would bring her a future worthy of a princess. But in the end her every attempt was frustrated, and she saw only sadness, and the spell was never broken. But she was the princess!