The Remembrance

Today I would remember our first date, it hurts so much, at the same time as I can remember a short moment and then find myself outside of reality that constantly reminds me of the truth that you are no longer by my side, where are you? What I first remember I may not want to write down, because for a possible future posterity I do not want to sound pathetic but proud, it is a weakness of my personality, but what I can remember so clearly was our first kiss.

Our first date, our first kiss, and above all the shyness that existed between us, which only strengthened our love, which increased the pull between us towards each other.

I can once again sense the paralyzing fear, the fear that in the depths of my heart struggled and fought with itself, the fear of what might happen, the disappointment of possibility and the fear of giving yourself up, of experiencing your own vulnerability, afraid of the pain that didn’t exist, not yet, maybe never, but maybe one day? You dreaded associations, you bring early memories to life in my chest and mind, and with those memories come the feelings that hurt so much.

Again I can experience this shyness as if I were facing you again for the first time, how much it hurt and how afraid I was of doing something wrong and perhaps losing the one I loved, loved and will love for eternity. For the love I experienced, felt and wanted was not like the dew of dawn, which quickly disappears, but an eternal love, like the love with which a child is loved by its parents, not such a love, but a love that lived in the beautiful dawn of shyness, which slowly rose to never disappear. A love fertilized by the source of love, fertilized by death but resurrected to live and be forever.

Slowly I can remember that day, the day I cannot forget and which I also struggle to keep. It was a warm May day when the spring with its crackling explosion had invited the summer. After all the agonizing trials, we had finally decided, you and I, we would meet.

You, a living summer child, me, a newborn May child, the evening was set and the expectations slowly rose as the moment approached. I was so nervous, yet so alive. You and I were so alive and in front of each other we were shy as children but our proximity to each other had made the immediacy work so powerfully in our minds, how tense you were, I could see how you trembled when you said your - well, when I asked what I didn’t really dare, the anxiety that then released was like a falling brick pan, the difference was that I wasn’t crushed to the ground, not yet, but instead I was filled with a joyful gratitude. The paradox of this day was that the hours passed so slowly until I saw you, for then it flowed like sand between my fingers, fast and relentless, until it ended.

When I came to fetch you, a memory I cannot forget, where you received me, how you looked and were dressed, I can clearly remember. You were freshly showered, smelled so lovely, I was too early or you were just a little late, I don’t really remember. I remember that the shyness that has so beautifully characterized our relationship was reawakened. Your white pearl necklace sparkled in the brilliant light shining from your big brown-green eyes, the anticipation shone on me and I realized anew… the form-fitting dress you wore fit you as well as the dreams of our life. Your high forehead stood out so clearly in your new hairstyle, your smile was like the sun, your shine like the pole star on a cold and clear night. It was our first date, our evening, and the rest of our lives would be marked by our meeting on that enchanted night. Outside it was warm and comfortable, bright and lovely, against the continuing light we walked forward slowly under the clear light of the moon, under the clear night sky we strived towards one of the sub-goals a human being has and together we would walk towards the goal that was ours and together we would only be.

Now we were sitting there, under the big oak tree, next to the little lake of water lilies that shiningly projected the big moon in the still water, where the small fish made small rings on the surface of the water that only got bigger and bigger to slowly fade and disappear. We were full and satisfied and no words were needed, no empty sentences, because the silence conveyed everything, we understood what we never said. What was never conveyed by breaking the magical silence was conveyed by shy looks and trembling bodies, smiles and hands pressed tenderly together, bodies resting lightly against each other and thoughts shared in the moment no one can explain or understand. Then, when the silence was broken, gently and tentatively, playfully and seriously, we began to explore each other’s essence, so to speak, we exchanged experiences, gathered strength and slowly began to unravel and explain the depth of our collective experience; who we were, what we wanted and what love was currently conveying.

The initial dialog began, which was a narrative and an exploration, proximity and distance filled it, but the truth was still so vivid behind every word. Slowly we began to understand each other’s inner reality, we both understood the necessity of an open and true dialog, where no voids were filled with lies and untruths, but where everything and everyone was involved, for when life seemed to have begun, life would be filled with both pain and joy, with suffering and happiness.

You told me so vividly about your childhood, your first memories, and thus filled a void in my life. For I took your reality to heart, not as a perceived reality, for it existed only with you, but as a reality I believed in, tried to understand and affirmed, as an honest reality of thought, and it can be quite real. Because we were both human, we were able to share what a human life contains, with all its suffering and joy, disappointments and bitterness, love and betrayal, and above all our common faith in the God who made us human. You were wonderfully both naïve and deeply unexplored; you had an immediacy that I love, which always produced impulses that were pure and loving. You existed as a young woman with great experiences, which you shared with me freely and which also confirmed me. There you and I were already in each other, for experience only brought us closer to the center of the core, which was the unifying love. Together we could laugh and cry. We could share and make the most of what had been, and so continue to be only.

As the hours passed it got colder, you came closer to me and we had to warm each other, you sat so close to me that I could feel every movement, hear every breath and see every time your eye blinked, your tears I could count, for they fell so slowly and beautifully, like a masterpiece they caught me in a dream, a beautiful dream that I never thought would come true. I remember the words I gave you.

Without you, I have lived in the eternal nothingness of infinity, without you, I have existed in the tragic spheres of emptiness, in a solar eclipse I have walked. But the meeting wanted something else, a higher power had a plan for a life, because love unites everything into one, where I seem to be looking at the eternal dawn, the lively dawn and the enchanting red sunrise, which conveys, yes, illuminates the empty nothingness and I can see the grace of the eternal Father, who has given me what I have never found before: You!

Then, when we could not come closer for the moment, shyness came over us again, but it could not prevent what was to happen. We became so hesitant even though we understood and felt, it became so quiet again, so quiet that the crickets’ playing drowned out every breath and question. Silently and hesitantly it came, slowly and gently we approached and neared each other, I was so tense and afraid but it could not be prevented, tenderly and gently we kissed each other, when the step over the threshold was taken a kiss came again and only then did you pull away, wonder and fear came over me again. But quickly you seemed to have made up your mind and you came closer again, I could see, despite the gloom, every feature and contour, every shadow that appeared on your delicate face, your uncertainty seemed to have vanished and without saying anything, without explanation, you kissed me.

Suddenly the dawn was there, the sun reflected its red orb in the still lake, the birds began to wake up and sing their praises to the creator, and quietly we rose on our tired but happy bodies. Slowly, with your hand in mine, we walked home.

When I was left alone again, everything seemed like a dream and again tragic memories came up and tried to deceive me - this night was the dream that will never exist except in your so pathetic dreams, the memory appeared with such pathos that anxiety came over me like a cold shower. Was it true or false, a happy dream without reality, mediated by the reality of experience, mediated by the imagination I carried, what was happening?